Power Rankings: Little Debbie Snacks

Posted: February 16, 2012 in Dan Price White





Ok, first off, sweet hat Little Debbie. What kind of outfit is that? Definately not putting me in the mood for snack cakes and it would never get pinned on Pinterest.

But seriously, this Power Ranking is going to be based completely off of memory because I haven’t eaten any of these for like five years minimum. And if you read this and notice that you are eating one or more of these on a consistent basis, you should stop now and seek help.

So to get down to the rankings, this post was inspired by one of my Twitter followers/followee?? named Morgan. We are pretty good friends, although we’ve never met but HEY internet for the win.

I think she tweeted something about loving the Valentine Heart Cakes (which are gross) and I felt motivated to rank Ms. Debbie’s creations.

Here is my Little Debbie Power Rankings, listed from worst to best, 5-1.

5. Strawberry Shortcake Rolls






Alright, let me get this out there, real, like homemade, strawberry shortcake is straight FIRE and my all-time favorite dessert. I don’t care if its pound cake or the bisquick kind, just crush some berries, add some sugar and a scoop of vanilla bean and its on like Donkey Kong.

But alas, while Debbie tries her damndest to recreate that bliss in high-fructose corn syrup form, it just comes up short.

First off the thing is packaged on this white tray and when you peel the cake off it, a kind of sticky food glue just melts off. Then there is the strawberry part, not straight fire, more like straight water. Just very metallic and made by man, not by berry, like a gel. The cream part is pretty solid and the cake is subpar.

4. Swiss Rolls






A classic if I ever saw one, the swiss cake roll is the Little Debbie I remember being around the house on the reg as a kid. I think my sister loved them, so I would always try to sneak a few packs and down them between basketball sessions outside. These rank in the bottom of my top five for one solid reason: the freaking plasticy outside chocolate part.

The cake AND cream are straight fire in these things, but the hard, outside part just brings it all down. It would not melt for anything, you’d already have the cake and cream down the pipe and you got this plastic chocolate still chilling in your mouth.

Plus for Swiss Rolls: You got two in one pack, it was like winning the lottery every time you opened a pack, like Twix bars.

3. Donut Sticks





Now we’re talking. Donut sticks were (maybe Are?) my jam. Helping their cause is the cup of coffee on the packaging. Straight genious! Coffee is my favorite thing in the world, I love it more than sports and video games and just displaying it there with little sticks of donut love perfect for dunking just speaks to me.

As donuts go, these things suck, but when you got that cup of joe next to you to smother them in they take on a new value. Like shining up an old piece of jewelry, these things just shine in my life. I want one right now so bad I can taste it.

2. Vanilla Christmas Tree Cakes






I love Christmas, so obviously, the seasonal Christmas Tree Cakes have to be in my Little Debbie top-two. In short, I really have no reason to like these so much fortaste,it’s the design, the green sprinkes and the little red strips of garland that make me want to eat an entire package on the holidays.

It’s all about these and those little holiday sugar cookies you can get at the dollar store. Those, my friends, are STRAAAAIIGHT FIIIIIIRE!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Honey Buns






Damn Honey Buns are good, like too good, 600 calories per pop good.

But like me, I know many of you have been hungry, been limited to a snack vending machine at either a dorm, hotel or rest stop and been left with no other option than these honey buns. And if there is a milk vending machine anywhere near, you pair it with the lighter blue Dean’s Milk Chug and you have a straight fire snack.

I always feel disgusting while eating these and after when you have the glaze goo all over your fingers and you lick it off like some sort of Little Debbie psycho. Sure, there are higher quality Honey Buns (think Cinnabon), but why pay more when for like $1.99 you can gorge yourself with eight or 12 of Little Debbie’s?


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