Top-Five Hardo Things You See in a Gym

Posted: April 4, 2013 in Dan Price White

Not long ago I dedicated my life to positive thinking, being healthy, working out, reading books and Dunkin’ Donuts. One of those things is not like the other, but you have to have one vice in life.

Because I spend a lot of time in a gym, you get to see a ton of hardo moves. The following list will be the top-five hardo things you see happen in a gym. I can laugh at it, because I have probably done them all dating back to when I first did a bench press in college.

Gallon Jug of Water

Drinking plenty of water is always on my mind when I work out. I feel like it’s extremely important due to how much you sweat and the exertion on your muscles. Luckily gyms are full of water fountains, even though I constantly wonder if a weird kid did that thing where they put their mouth on the faucet, but still, as a man, I trust in the fountain.

But some guys don’t, and the answer is carrying around a full gallon jug of water. I think I last did this when I was about 19 in college at Louisville. I felt like if I wore my Greek letters and traversed the quad carrying a gallon, then the ladies would have to take a second glance.

Now when I see a young man carrying in his jug to the gym, it takes me back to a simpler time when all that mattered was when the next round of Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode started in the dorm.

Straight Up Bringing Your Protein Powder to the Gym

I’m on this kick where I have to consume as many grams as protein as my ideal weight (155) each day, so I always keep some type of whey protein powder around the HOUSE. I think it’s a smart move if you’re on a weight lifting program to have some around the HOUSE.

However, for some bros, the gym is their kitchen, their Muscle Milk Lab if you will. I routinely see people bringing the container out of their bags and scooping it out into a shaker mere seconds after a set of bench.

I admit, I brought my shaker into the gym last week, but already had the ingredients mixed up and I still felt like a hardo. Doing that move where you’re in the corner shaking that thing vigorously, hoping no one is staring. I’m just saying, getting back to the house and peacefully mixing my hardo shake relaxes me, I just don’t want to do my meathead Emeril impression next to the squat rack.

Screaming Like a Maniac

I’m going to start this topic off by saying that you get a free pass if at the time of scream you are the most jacked dude in the gym. If you’ve done the work to be a scary dude, then by all means I say scream your face off even when you’re doing bicep curls.

But for guys like me that lift a lighter weight for the health benefits, it’s just not a good look to grunt and yell during each set of 150 on the bench. It’s like I’m already embarrassing myself enough, might as well not sound like an extra on The Walking Dead.

Portable iPod Speakers

I’ve belonged to an infinity amount of gyms in my adult life and one thing stays the same, the music is dreadful. Always has been bad, always will be bad. I guess it makes sense, they have to pick a station that will appeal to the highest percentage of people, which always ends up as a Kenny G/John Mayer hybrid. Luckily, the remedy to this is the invention of sports headphones and iPhones/iPods.

Still from time to time you will see a group of hardos break out one of those mini portable speakers and play their own jams while they lift. This is a tricky move, because at the end of the day I’m actually glad to hear something other than adult contemporary, but you’re also still the guy that brought a portable speaker to the gym.

I respect the need to hear your songs while you lift no matter how you do it. I do the majority of my workouts in the athletics weight room where I work and in there I can crank up my own tunes however I see fit. I’m about 50% stronger in there, turning it into 2002 with 50 Cent, Disturbed and System of a Down.

Matching Clothes From Head to Toe

I have no problem when girls put on a fashion show at the gym, don’t even think twice about it, but I get oddly annoyed when bros have full, matching workout outfits on. Like matching a neon green Under Armour logo with neon green shorts and a strip of neon on the shoes. Hardo city.

When I work out, I try to find the most ratty t-shirt I have so that it looks like I work out really hard in it, when in reality it’s just a 15-year old shirt that I wore back when I was husky.

Kind of like the portable speakers, I still don’t entirely hate on the matching workout clothes. If being sexy and you know it motivates you to get to the gym, then I say match on. Any excuse to go to the gym is worth it, whether it’s vanity, battling stress or picking up chicks.


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